I think grief is the price we pay for love. You have a choice: close your heart, and refuse to let anyone, or even allow a beloved pet to come into your life, because then, when they die, you won't be upset; or else you can decide to be open to all the joy that loving and being loved can bring, and be thankful for all the happy times you have spent together. Yes, it's harrowing when they are no longer there, and you have to come to terms with the fact they aren't going to come in through the door anymore, but I've found so much comfort in being able to remember them with love.
My Grandma used to say, as we get older, we live on our memories. We can't live charmed lives with no trials and tribulations, but I try to make as many happy memories as possible, and focus on them. They carry you through.
It is only 26 days since Mum died, and now we have to say goodbye to Blackie. With Mum, it was quite a long goodbye, and in some ways it helped having time to prepare for it; it wasn't such a shock and Mum went gently and peacefully.
Blackie's sudden collapse was different; less than 48 hours on, I keep thinking how could he have been fine on Friday morning, and then so ill at 7.00 p.m that evening? Well, it's no good asking that question. It is what has happened, and now we must think of all the wonderful years when we were blessed to have a cat companion like Blackie.
As he grew older, he had a couple of ailments - a bit of arthritis here and there, and he had a slight heart murmur, along with a kidney that was not functioning as well as it should have been. We bought special renal food for him, and hoped that would help. He developed hyperthyroidism, which we treated with transdermal medicine, rubbed into the pinna of his ear. He wasn't keen on that! and was clever at flattening his ears down to horizontal pitch, but it only took 30 seconds to administer, and he put up with it.
When I look back, we had noticed some slightly different behaviour, and now I wonder if it could have been a precursor to his collapse on Friday evening. For some time, after Blackie had eaten a lovely fresh sachet of food (although he would often just lick at the jelly or the gravy) within a very short time he would be back at his dish, complaining loudly that he wanted feeding. Maybe he hadn't had enough to eat the first time round, so we always put out more for him, but latterly I began to wonder if in fact he was becoming a bit like Mum? Mum could eat a big dinner, and finish every morsel, then half an hour later, forget she had eaten, and start asking when her dinner would be ready.
Cats and dogs can get dementia, so could Blackie have been displaying symptoms of it? The Vet said it was possible, although in Blackie's case, his collapse was more likely down to a cancer in his brain, or one pressing on his spine. Maybe it was a combination of all of this, and his great age.
From the minute he materialised in our garden to when he eventually decided we would provide a good home for him, he has repaid us with undivided devotion. To begin with, he would come in the house and sit for a while; when he had had enough of our company, he would ask to go out, and we would watch him trot down the path, hoping he would soon be back. He returned every day, and late in the evening would sit with me on the sofa; being such a long cat, he could not get all of himself on my knee, so he would put his head on my lap, and the rest of his body would be draped over the next seat, and sometimes I'd fall asleep whilst stroking him! Usually, after an hour or so of being fussed, he would want to go back to the garden, but one night, as I was fussing him and talking to him, I felt Blackie take huge big breath in, and as he breathed out, his whole body relaxed completely, and he just snuggled in a bit closer. I believe that was the moment when he realised he was safe, and could stay forever; he never went back to sleeping out of doors again.
From then on, we began to learn what a sensitive cat he was. If someone wasn't feeling very well, he would be there, curled up beside you, emanating warmth and soothing purring. He spent so much time with Mum, and sometimes jumped up on her bed to spend the night with her - he was strong then! and could leap! - and Mum loved his company.
He joined in with us on everything; he was a Railway Cat, and got inquisitive about Romulus; if you were involved with something on the line, Blackie would not be far away, sitting atop one of the coaches, watching what was going on.
Every evening, he would go out on the patio, to "patrol his manor." The patio is filled with pots and tubs of flowers, and Blackie would examine each one, sniffing and looking, checking there were no interloping mice lurking and ready to make a dash for it. After making sure all was well, he'd come indoors to settle down for the night.
During the day, he had certain places he loved to sit. There is a "conversation set" on the patio, which is a table and two chairs, shaped to fit at an angle to the table, so a couple can chat and look at each other without having to turn the chairs around, For Blackie, the table was a high perch where he could survey all that was going on around him.
Blackie was a wonderful cat, and a very special pet. He knew he was loved, and he returned that love to us unreservedly.
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| His Majesty Blackie looking very regal and lording it over the patio |
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| Blackie with Mum - Always a reassuring paw on the arm of her chair |
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| Mum with Pushkin and Blackie Cat Companionship for ever! |
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