A Week Is A Long Time In Organising Things
Tuesday 24 March:
A surreal day, really. I had made a list of people to contact - Department of Work and Pensions, Havering Social Services, National Savings (Mum has a total of about £18.00 in there!), her Bank (which I am allowed to operate under the Power of Attorney that she granted me) - and a whole lot more.
Mum didn't have a car, so there is no need to contact the DVLA, and her Passport has long since expired; other things on the list are not a priority and I am sorting out what is important.
It was more a day of taking stock, and getting our heads round everything.
We still keep looking in on Mum to see if she is o.k., and then realise she doesn't need us to do that any more.
I rang West and Coe to let them know I would be registering Mum's death tomorrow morning, and take the green certificate to them so that they can embalm Mum and keep her safe. I said I would take some nice clothes as well for her.
We thought it would be nice if Mum could wear a pretty top and the skirt she usually wears when we go to Tea at The Ritz; I ironed her top, and another pretty soft-handle short nightie, that she used to wear as an underslip, and put everything together. She had a new pair of slippers, and finally we added her woolly hat that she loved wearing - the one with a little flower button at the front, and tie strings that she always put to the back of her head, never underneath her chin, in case she spilled tea on it! The flower used to be brightly coloured, but after so many years, and turns in the washing machine, the enamel has definitely faded, but we remember it as it was, and that is the main thing.
Wednesday, 25 March:
I was up early, to be ready to leave in good time for the appointment at the Registrar's Office. Al rang me, and I was so glad to hear him and have a cheering conversation with him first.
At the Registry, Office, strict rules were in force to ensure separation, and I also wore a mask - every little helps, as one of the big supermarkets likes to say.
I felt the Registrar was not particularly friendly - clearly one must be completely professional, and I was not the sort of person about to fall into paroxysms of tears and anguish; we both needed to get the registration done, but there was one hiccup I came to sign the original certificate.
I was aware I had to use a fountain pen with a special ink in it, that does not fade, but gets darker with age. The only problem was this pen had a very slim barrel, and sometimes I find it very hard to hold something so thin; if my right thumb is giving me some gyp as it does on occasion, I cannot get a proper grip.
When Mum could no longer hold pens and pencils properly to draw her pictures, I used to wind elastic bands around the barrels, to help her to hold them more easily, and less painfully.
There must be a number of people attending Registry Offices who have arthritis, so this should be something for the Registrars - or those who supply the pens to their offices - to think about. As it was, I managed to sign the form, but it was not my best signature.
Well, that is another battle for someone else to fight; I was just happy to leave with the green certificate I needed. In fact I must have been one of the last people to be able to attend a Registry Office personally; a day or so later, there were to be no more personal appointments to register a death; I think it all has to be done via telephone now.
I paid for 8 copies of the Death Certificate - I wasn't sure how many I would need, but I reckoned it was better to have too many than too few - and I have enough originals to send to whoever may need one. I was also told about an 0800 number I could ring, to log in with the "Tell Us Once" option; this would ensure the DWP, TV Licensing, DVLA and Passport Office, etc., would be advised that Mum had died, but I felt I really would prefer to do it myself, and when I checked the list, it was exactly the same as I had written out yesterday. There is nothing like doing something yourself, to know it has been done. There is also a therapeutic side to it, making sure I've dealt with everything for Mum, personally.
The next port of call was West and Coe, where I saw Steve, the gentleman I had spoken to on the phone. I gave him the green form, and he took Mum's clothes, listening carefully to what I had to say about Mum's woolly hat (we used to call it her Heidi hat!) and how it should be placed on her head. I think I said something daft about Mum not liking the cold, which is why she loved that hat so much.
We went and parked down by the railway line, and watched a few trains go past; it's a reduced service of course, but it was nice to have a feeling a normality, if only for a little while.
Thursday, 26 March:
Today I rang Havering, who had been organising payments for Mum's care with Home Sweet Home Care. I got through to the lady I have known for years - and who has also known Mum for years. Due to the current virus situation, she was working from home, but as soon as she heard my voice, she recognised me, and said,
"Oh, I'm so sorry to hear the news about your Mum!"
Since my attendance at the Registrar's Office, the information had already been sent over to Havering, and she was so kind and sympathetic. She was the one who had organised a 100th Birthday card to be sent around to every member of staff, and they had all signed it for Mum's birthday; I told her how Mum had been delighted to know so many people had been thinking about her, and how kind they had always been in dealing with Mum's allowances and sorting things out for her.
I rang the Department of Work and Pensions, and they said they would check to see there has been no overpayment of Mum's pension; if too much has been paid, it will be sorted out very quickly. They will write to me.
I rang Social Services about Mum's hoist and slings, and the airbed mattress and pump that were supplied for her; these will need to be collected at some point. Later on, Millbrook Healthcare, who have always provided items like these, said they will collect them next week, on Wednesday afternoon. Mum's room will look quite empty.
Although there is still a lot of work to do on this long list of reporting, I am gradually getting through it.
Friday, 27 March:
I rang West and Co, and spoke to Steve; it was very comforting to hear Mum's body had been embalmed, and she was dressed in the clothes we took round on Wednesday. The other thing I really appreciated was this: without me asking him anything, Steve told me exactly how they had dressed Mum, and had put her Heidi hat on, "...with the little button at the front, and the strings at the back..." That proved how well he had listened, and I was really happy and pleased about it.
I know Mum is at rest; we are also contented that she is in a good place and very much at peace.
In the past few days, I have fielded so many phone calls from dear friends and neighbours, as the news about Mum is spreading abroad.
I am also writing letters and e-mails, and sending Easter Cards. Because I always start writing Easter and Christmas cards so early, this year Mum also knew I was writing the Easter Cards, and that I was preparing to post them. Because she was still with us whilst I was doing all this, of course I included her when I signed every one! I've now also written letters to enclose with the cards, to explain why this is; but now it feels so strange, that I can't include "Mum" at the end of my letters.
Saturday, 28th March
My Birthday.
Well, when you lose someone, you then face a year of "Firsts..." my first Birthday without Mum, first Easter without Mum, Wendy's first birthday without Grandma, etc...
It is just that my birthday has come up very quickly on this list! and I do wish Mum could have been with me to celebrate it; but then, when I look back, we have had so many wonderful times together:
Mother's Day on Sunday, 22 March; Al's birthday on 28 January; New Year's Day; Boxing Day; Christmas Day; Mum's actual 100th Birthday on 28 October, which became nearly a week of celebrations, and of course her memorable Tea at the Ritz on the Saturday, 26 October, when she even had the Queen's birthday card on the table.
So today has been quiet. But I am happy and contented. I am loved and have my family around me, and that is all that matters.
Sunday, 29th March
Another quiet day, really; more letters, more phone calls, more trying to get used to not looking out for the ladies coming along at their usual time to get Mum up and dressed!
I am still thinking about checking on Mum to make sure she is o.k., and if she would like a cup of tea; and that I should soon be getting her dinner on, so that it will be ready after the ladies have come to get Mum up after her nap...
Because I have pretty sharp hearing, when I went to bed I would always leave the bedroom door open, so that I could hear Mum if she called out to me; I am still leaving the bedroom door wide open at night.
We still keep looking in on Mum to see if she is o.k., and then realise she doesn't need us to do that any more.
I rang West and Coe to let them know I would be registering Mum's death tomorrow morning, and take the green certificate to them so that they can embalm Mum and keep her safe. I said I would take some nice clothes as well for her.
We thought it would be nice if Mum could wear a pretty top and the skirt she usually wears when we go to Tea at The Ritz; I ironed her top, and another pretty soft-handle short nightie, that she used to wear as an underslip, and put everything together. She had a new pair of slippers, and finally we added her woolly hat that she loved wearing - the one with a little flower button at the front, and tie strings that she always put to the back of her head, never underneath her chin, in case she spilled tea on it! The flower used to be brightly coloured, but after so many years, and turns in the washing machine, the enamel has definitely faded, but we remember it as it was, and that is the main thing.
Wednesday, 25 March:
I was up early, to be ready to leave in good time for the appointment at the Registrar's Office. Al rang me, and I was so glad to hear him and have a cheering conversation with him first.
At the Registry, Office, strict rules were in force to ensure separation, and I also wore a mask - every little helps, as one of the big supermarkets likes to say.
I felt the Registrar was not particularly friendly - clearly one must be completely professional, and I was not the sort of person about to fall into paroxysms of tears and anguish; we both needed to get the registration done, but there was one hiccup I came to sign the original certificate.
I was aware I had to use a fountain pen with a special ink in it, that does not fade, but gets darker with age. The only problem was this pen had a very slim barrel, and sometimes I find it very hard to hold something so thin; if my right thumb is giving me some gyp as it does on occasion, I cannot get a proper grip.
When Mum could no longer hold pens and pencils properly to draw her pictures, I used to wind elastic bands around the barrels, to help her to hold them more easily, and less painfully.
There must be a number of people attending Registry Offices who have arthritis, so this should be something for the Registrars - or those who supply the pens to their offices - to think about. As it was, I managed to sign the form, but it was not my best signature.
Well, that is another battle for someone else to fight; I was just happy to leave with the green certificate I needed. In fact I must have been one of the last people to be able to attend a Registry Office personally; a day or so later, there were to be no more personal appointments to register a death; I think it all has to be done via telephone now.
I paid for 8 copies of the Death Certificate - I wasn't sure how many I would need, but I reckoned it was better to have too many than too few - and I have enough originals to send to whoever may need one. I was also told about an 0800 number I could ring, to log in with the "Tell Us Once" option; this would ensure the DWP, TV Licensing, DVLA and Passport Office, etc., would be advised that Mum had died, but I felt I really would prefer to do it myself, and when I checked the list, it was exactly the same as I had written out yesterday. There is nothing like doing something yourself, to know it has been done. There is also a therapeutic side to it, making sure I've dealt with everything for Mum, personally.
The next port of call was West and Coe, where I saw Steve, the gentleman I had spoken to on the phone. I gave him the green form, and he took Mum's clothes, listening carefully to what I had to say about Mum's woolly hat (we used to call it her Heidi hat!) and how it should be placed on her head. I think I said something daft about Mum not liking the cold, which is why she loved that hat so much.
We went and parked down by the railway line, and watched a few trains go past; it's a reduced service of course, but it was nice to have a feeling a normality, if only for a little while.
Thursday, 26 March:
Today I rang Havering, who had been organising payments for Mum's care with Home Sweet Home Care. I got through to the lady I have known for years - and who has also known Mum for years. Due to the current virus situation, she was working from home, but as soon as she heard my voice, she recognised me, and said,
"Oh, I'm so sorry to hear the news about your Mum!"
Since my attendance at the Registrar's Office, the information had already been sent over to Havering, and she was so kind and sympathetic. She was the one who had organised a 100th Birthday card to be sent around to every member of staff, and they had all signed it for Mum's birthday; I told her how Mum had been delighted to know so many people had been thinking about her, and how kind they had always been in dealing with Mum's allowances and sorting things out for her.
I rang the Department of Work and Pensions, and they said they would check to see there has been no overpayment of Mum's pension; if too much has been paid, it will be sorted out very quickly. They will write to me.
I rang Social Services about Mum's hoist and slings, and the airbed mattress and pump that were supplied for her; these will need to be collected at some point. Later on, Millbrook Healthcare, who have always provided items like these, said they will collect them next week, on Wednesday afternoon. Mum's room will look quite empty.
Although there is still a lot of work to do on this long list of reporting, I am gradually getting through it.
Friday, 27 March:
I rang West and Co, and spoke to Steve; it was very comforting to hear Mum's body had been embalmed, and she was dressed in the clothes we took round on Wednesday. The other thing I really appreciated was this: without me asking him anything, Steve told me exactly how they had dressed Mum, and had put her Heidi hat on, "...with the little button at the front, and the strings at the back..." That proved how well he had listened, and I was really happy and pleased about it.
I know Mum is at rest; we are also contented that she is in a good place and very much at peace.
In the past few days, I have fielded so many phone calls from dear friends and neighbours, as the news about Mum is spreading abroad.
I am also writing letters and e-mails, and sending Easter Cards. Because I always start writing Easter and Christmas cards so early, this year Mum also knew I was writing the Easter Cards, and that I was preparing to post them. Because she was still with us whilst I was doing all this, of course I included her when I signed every one! I've now also written letters to enclose with the cards, to explain why this is; but now it feels so strange, that I can't include "Mum" at the end of my letters.
Saturday, 28th March
My Birthday.
Well, when you lose someone, you then face a year of "Firsts..." my first Birthday without Mum, first Easter without Mum, Wendy's first birthday without Grandma, etc...
It is just that my birthday has come up very quickly on this list! and I do wish Mum could have been with me to celebrate it; but then, when I look back, we have had so many wonderful times together:
Mother's Day on Sunday, 22 March; Al's birthday on 28 January; New Year's Day; Boxing Day; Christmas Day; Mum's actual 100th Birthday on 28 October, which became nearly a week of celebrations, and of course her memorable Tea at the Ritz on the Saturday, 26 October, when she even had the Queen's birthday card on the table.
So today has been quiet. But I am happy and contented. I am loved and have my family around me, and that is all that matters.
Sunday, 29th March
Another quiet day, really; more letters, more phone calls, more trying to get used to not looking out for the ladies coming along at their usual time to get Mum up and dressed!
I am still thinking about checking on Mum to make sure she is o.k., and if she would like a cup of tea; and that I should soon be getting her dinner on, so that it will be ready after the ladies have come to get Mum up after her nap...
Because I have pretty sharp hearing, when I went to bed I would always leave the bedroom door open, so that I could hear Mum if she called out to me; I am still leaving the bedroom door wide open at night.
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