Mum Proves She Can Still Remember Things

Mum Proves She Can Still Remember Things

Mum can go off on a tangent. Sometimes she talks about people and occasions and, because we usually know the background to what and to whom she is referring, we can work out where she is in her mind.

I know carers are trained to agree with what clients say,  even if it is incorrect, but I have a different perspective, especially relating to someone like Mum. Because we know her so well, my belief is that she should be guided gently back to what is true.

Sometimes, Mum says, "Where's my mother?" and I do not see the point of saying, "Oh, she's out shopping." Some long time ago, I heard a carer saying this to Mum; Mum got a bit agitated, and said, "No, she isn't - she can't be.....!" so it was obvious that reply was not going to satisfy her. I remember stepping in and explaining that Grandma had died in 1985, and that she was buried in Liverpool. Mum asked a few more questions about what had happened to her mother, and when I told her how Grandma had had a fall and broken her hip, Mum said, "Oh, and is that what killed her?"

"Yes," I said, "that contributed to it."

That satisfied Mum, and was the end of the matter, but it proved to me that, somewhere in Mum's head, are true memories of things that happened in the past, and it is better to help her remember accurately, rather than just fobbing her off with banal, untrue assurances.

Yesterday evening was a case in point. Mum was really "on the ball," and talking animatedly about her family, and when they lived in Liverpool.

"Yes," she said, "it was very sad. My elder brother - his name was Austin - he got pneumonia. He was only twenty when he died."

The carers made very sympathetic responses, and I looked in and added, "Mum is absolutely spot on. That is exactly what happened!"

Mum then carried on talking about her parents, and how her father had died, five years later, and was buried in Liverpool, with his son.

After that, she went on to happier themes, and chatted merrily away about her younger brother, John - and was very much in elder sister mode.

"John is 3 years younger than I am, " said Mum, "and he's 95 now. He lives in Brisbane, and he's looking for a wife!"

(And so he is - or at least, since he was widowed 15 years ago, he would love to find a nice lady companion, with whom he can go out for lunch, and enjoy sensible conversation once or twice a week!)

"How old are you?" asked one of the carers.

"I'm 98!" said Mum.

I think that exchange may prove my point that, at least in Mum's case, clear memories can come to the fore, and if on some days she is confused, honesty is the best policy.

A Carer Returns And See A Change

A Carer Returns And Sees A Change

We have lovely carers for Mum, who take the time and trouble to get to know her, and her ways, and we always miss anyone who decides to take a break, or have a change of career. 

One carer, who last saw Mum at about Christmas time last year - 9 months ago now - recently returned to us, and she was very pleased to see Mum still going strong. 

However, because we are with Mum all the time, and although we also know the past year has seen Mum get weaker in her legs, we tend not to notice exactly how quickly or slowly these changes take place. We could see this carer was a bit shocked to find Mum was no longer able to support herself anymore, and - even with help from us - unable to get off the bed and transfer to the chair or the glider.

We realise that because Mum is now hoisted at every visit, her strength has obviously declined - a clear case of "What you don't use, you lose."  We understood completely why the decision was taken to hoist Mum - Mum's fluctuating ability to understand directions, and her penchant for suddenly trying to collapse in a heap in mid-transfer, meant that without warning, her whole weight could be placed on whoever was standing behind her, trying to support her whilst she tried to do the "twiddle round" manoeuvre.

This was not a safe situation for anyone. The carers could end up with a strained back, or worse, and there was also the concern that if she could not be held up, Mum could end up on the floor, and that was a scenario that had to be avoided.

Over the months, we try to look for all the positives: yes, she may have to be hoisted, but at least she can be placed on the glider, and wheeled into the bathroom, where she can still wash her hands under running water from the bath taps. She is not just looking at the same four walls of her bedroom. She can also be hoisted into her wheelchair, for trips out of the house, and a nice drive in a wheelchair accessible taxi into London, for Tea at the Ritz. The next one has already  been booked!

I Escape For A Couple Of Days!

I Escape For A Couple Of Days!

I never expected to be able to go away on holiday this year. It's always been a bit difficult to get away, but in the past it was certainly easier to organise a weekend off, as Mum was much stronger, and able to get in and out of bed herself, and sit in the chair/glider/wheelchair; with the carers visiting four times a day, one member of the family could manage to deal with all the other aspects of caring for Mum.

Now that Mum is hoisted at all times, it isn't that simple and, of course, her ability to understand and follow what needs to be done can be a bit variable!

It was a terrific surprise when Wendy announced she had organised everything - including Al being available to spend two days with his Great Grandma, which meant there would be two members of the family at home with Mum. I could relax!

Last week, we flew from City Airport to Frankfurt; Wendy, always competent driving on either side of the road, hired a car, and we were soon heading off to visit dear friends.

We also went shopping - C&A is still thriving in Germany, and we had a request for jeans and tops from Al; Wendy knows exactly what he likes, and found clothes to fit the bill.

Then there is Globus, a large supermarket, with groceries on the ground floor, and clothing, shoes, stationery, make up and toiletries on the upper floor - just like Tesco and Sainsbury's, but really rather better. It was lovely and warm in the store - I think gas and electricity is probably cheaper in Germany, and they can afford to keep the shop warm and toasty!

Because the October Fest is drawing near, Globus also had a wonderful array of dirndls on display. I love dressing up and wearing Tracht, so, with Wendy's encouragement, I tried one on. It fitted perfectly, and it's now back home with me, waiting for an event when I can dress up for the occasion!

On the Sunday, we had time to drive to St Augustine, to visit a lovely family whom we hadn't seen for such a long time.

They are such good, dear people; they made us so welcome, and the morning we spent with them just flew by. Hildegard had made a delicious Black Forest cake for us, and as we talked and reminisced, the years since our last meeting just fell away and it felt as though it had only been a month or two ago since we last met up.

We all have wonderful memories, of attending the youngest son's wedding in a castle in Mandescheid - a marvellous venue, set up on a very high hill. The wedding had a mediaeval theme, with everyone asked to wear costumes that would have been appropriate to the era. I made dresses for Wendy, Mum and me, with long sweeping skirts and long pointed sleeves; the menfolk wore Knights of the Realm outfits and everyone entered into the spirit of a memorable day.

From the base of the hill, it took at least 300 paces to get to the first level, and more to reach the battlements and the towers. In places there were just smooth, worn stones, and you had to be very careful walking up, so that you did not slip. We were a bit concerned for Mum, as she was then nearly 85, and we wondered if she would manage to climb up so far, but she managed perfectly well - and so did I, even in high heels! All the guests made their way up to the courtyard where the marriage took place, and then everyone enjoyed a magnificent feast in the dining area of the castle, where traditional mediaeval food was served, including platters of fowl, and pork and fruits.

Afterwards, there was jousting and sword fights - Mum was in her element, taking everything in. It is something that she still remembers, and when we talk to our friends on the phone, Mum can recall so many things about that lovely day.

That's really what friendship is all about - being there for each other, and sharing experiences. We'll make sure we don't let such a long time elapse before arranging another visit, even if it is only a fleeting one!

Hildegard, Miriam, Alexandra and Wendy
A happy reunion at St Augustine